Recently I somehow developed telepathic powers. I am now able to receive the true thoughts of political candidates as they seek election or re-election.
- Republican seeking re-election: Vote for me, because I really like my job.
- Democrat seeking office: Vote for me because you deserve to get screwed.
- Libertarian party member seeking office: Vote for me and you can smoke all the pot you want.
- Actual libertarian seeking office (seems like there’s one of these out there somewhere): Vote for me and I promise I’ll work myself out of a job.
- Conservative seeking office: Vote for me and I promise nothing will ever change.
- Liberal seeking office: Vote for me and you can all come work for Uncle Sam.
- Neo-Con seeking office: Vote for me — there are still a few countries we haven’t attacked.
- Progressive seeking office: Vote for me: there are still some traditional values we haven’t become offended at.
- Socialist seeking office: Vote for me! I’ll make sure nobody makes any obscene profits providing you with stuff you want!
- Communist seeking office: Vote for me and when the revolution comes you will all eat strawberries and cream. Even if you don’t like strawberries and cream.
- Fascist seeking office: Vote for me and you’ll never have to worry your little head about voting again!