Howdy, y’all, my name is Joe. I git asked a lot ’bout my paw Jake an’ Uncle ‘Saw, so I thought I’d give an account o’ their doin’s. Now I ain’t ‘zactly sure that all this is the gold-plated truth. Most o’ these hap’nin’s was afore my time. But I’ll put ’em all in anyhow, an’ let you intelligent folk sort out what really happened from what got stretched a mite.
I kin say fore a fact that Jake an’ Uncle Saw didn’t always git along too well. In fact, they was fitin’ an’ carryin’ on even ‘fore they was born. Oh yeah, I plum forgot to say that they was twins. An’ Grandmaw Becky, she inquired o’ the Lord ’bout what in tarnation was a-happenin’ inside o’ her. An’ he tole her that two nations was a fitin’ inside her. An’ he also tol’ her that th’ older would serve th’ younger, an’ that plum didn’t seem right nohow.
Anyways when th’ twins was born, ol’ Uncle Saw (who was jist called Saw back then) come out first, but Jake wasn’t givin’ up so easy. He was a-clutchin’ Saw’s heel an’ so they called him Jake ’cause it meant Heel Grabber. Now Uncle Saw was all red an’ hairy an’ that was why they dun called him ‘Saw ’cause ‘Saw means hairy.
Uncle Saw loved th’ great outdoors—fishin’, huntin’, trappin’. But Jake liked to stay in th’ camp an’ so Grandmaw Becky was right partial to Jake. An’ this didn’t sit too well with Uncle Saw for shore. They was always competin’ an’ tryin’ to show each other up.
Uncle Saw was real good with the six-shooter, in fact any kind o’ shootin’. Story goes that one day Jake ‘n Uncle Saw was sittn’ out on th’ back porch a-plinkin’ pine cones ’bout a mile away. They was gitting’ a mite bored with that easy shootin’ so Jake says, “Hey watch this” an’ before you could say Abraham he’d shot a fly clean out of th’ air. But that fly didn’t die—he was a-crawlin’ on th’ ground with no wings. “Beat that!” Jake says to Uncle Saw.
Well Uncle Saw finishes off Jake’s fly with a spue o’ some o’ his chaw. Then he says, “That’s not bad shootin’. I ain’t shore I kin do that.” Then he pulls out his six shooter, gits off th’ shot an’ afore th’ bullet even hits th’ target he has his gun back in his holster.
Jake starts laughin’ like a hyena. “Yew missed!” he chortles.
“I don’t know ’bout that,” says Uncle Saw. An’ he goes over an’ grabs a fly out o’ th’ air an’ brings it over. He lets it go by Jake’s ear. “Notice anythin’ funny ’bout that fly?”
Jake says, “No I don’t … hey, wait a minute! That fly ain’t makin’ no noise!” Uncle Saw had shot the buzz clean offn’ that fly.
Well my paw Jake may not o’ been as good with th’ six-gun as Uncle Saw, but he shore could rassel. He was literally born rasselin’. An I’ll tell you later ’bout th’ most amazin’ rasselin’ match ever been heared of in these parts or anywhere else I know of.
But even when my paw Jake was a young’un he could rassel. One time when he was ’bout five or six years old, he was a-wanderin’ in th’ woods an’ he come across a wild forest dawg. These wild forest dawgs are big an’ not like reg’lar dawgs ’cause they live alone. They have shaggy coats an’ they can be mean, orn’ry critters on th’ best o’ days. So when Jake saw this wild forest dawg he says, “Now you just leave me be an’ don’t give me no trouble, Mr. Wild Forest Dawg.” But that there wild forest dawg come at my paw Jake like he was a midnight snack. Well Jake wasn’t ’bout to stand there an’ be et, so he went for his signature move an’ grabbed that wild forest dawg by th’ heel, an’ starts swinging it ’round his head.
But Jake wern’t no more’n six years old at the time an’ he wern’t as strong as he got to be later. So I’m ashamed to say that he didn’t keep a proper hold o’ that wild forest dawg’s heel an’ it slipped out o’ his hand. But he hung on to the skin, an’ he was a-swingin’ that wild forest dawg around so fast that it just popped out of its skin like a banana out of its peel. An’ that wild forest dawg just went a yelpin’ away into the woods. Great Grandpaw Abe saw it an’ said, “Well ain’t that one bare critter!” So they started to call them wild forest dawgs “bares” an’ they still call ’em that to this day.
Now you may not believe any o’ them stories an’ to be honest I myself ain’t none too shore, not havin’ been there t’ see these hap’nin’s, but that’s th’ kind o’ thing they would say ’bout my paw Jake an’ Uncle Saw.
They say there’s no fitin’ like fam’ly fitin’, ‘specially over inheritances an’ that sort o’ thing. An’ shore ’nuff my paw Jake an’ Uncle Saw fit over that. An’ here’s the story.
One day Uncle Saw went out a-huntin’ an’ it was like someone done told all th’ critters he was a-comin’. He coudn’t find hide nor hair o’ anythin’ t’ shoot ‘r eat. Th’ fish weren’t bitin either. An’ it was dang hot an’ there weren’t much water around.
So Uncle Saw’s a-comin’ back an’ he’s literally starvin’, not havin’ had a bite t’ eat in almost a week. An’ he sees my paw Jake there a-cookin’ a pot o’ red bean soup. An’ Uncle Saw’s mouth takes t’ waterin’ like it was Noah’s flood agin. An’ he says t’ my paw Jake, “Give me some o’ that there red bean soup, cuz I’m a-starvin’.”
Well Jake took a look at him for a bit, then he says, “Sure bro. But how ’bout you give me somethin’ in return.” “What d’ya want?” asked Uncle Saw. Jake sat there a kinda thinkin’ then he takes to chucklin’ an’ says, “This hear red bean soup ain’t worth nothin’ much. How ’bout you just give me yore birthright so’s when I’m hungry I’ll git the bigger half.” An’ Uncle Saw says to himself, ”Th’ bigger half ain’t gonna do me much good if’n I’m not around t’ enjoy it,” an’ he says, “Shore bro, just give me that there pot an’ a bowl an’ you can have th’ birthright.”
So my paw Jake bought th’ birthright for a pot o’ red bean soup.
Well that kinda put th’ finishin’ touches on Uncle Saw’s dislike o’ Jake. An’ Grandpaw Zack didn’t think much ‘o Jake either. Problem was, Grandpaw Zack didn’t see so well any more. But he could shore pull up t’ th’ table three times a day, an’ he loved th’ barbecue Uncle Saw made. They say Uncle Saw had a way with herbs n’ spices n’ secret ingreejunts that y’all would not believe. An’ like they say, the way to a man’s heart is thru his belly.
Now Grandpaw Zack knew he was a-comin’ to th’ end o’ th’ trail. An’ he wanted t’ bless Uncle Saw afore he gave th’ big adios. ‘Cuz even tho’ Jake had th’ birthright, Uncle Saw was still Grandpaw Zack’s number one son on account o’ that barbecue he made.
So Grandpaw Zack says to Uncle Saw, “Now listen heare son. I ain’t gittin’ no younger an’ there ain’t much time left. It’s gittin’ on blessin’ time an’ I’m a-fixin’ t’ give you one whopper of a blessin’. So you just mosey on out n’ catch a good-sized critter an’ cook it up nice n’ tasty like y’ always do. An’ bring it here so’s I can have a nice meal. An’ I’ll give you my best blessin’.”
Now Uncle Saw heared this an’ hit th’ road like his pants was on fire. But Uncle Saw didn’t have th’ only pair o’ ears that heared what Grandpaw Zack said. Grandmaw Becky was a listenin’ behind a curtain. An’ she wanted Jake t’ git that blessin’ worse’n anythin’ in her life.
Y’ see, Uncle Saw, well if they was three roads all leadin’ to fame an’ fortune, he’d shorely find some fourth road nobody else saw, that led t’ disaster. He was his own worst enemy an’ managed t’ make pretty near everyone else his enemy too. One thing he did that didn’t work out none too good was he married a couple o’ Hittite women. Now their families was pretty well off but they didn’t give nothin’ but grief t’ Grandpaw Zack an’ ‘specially t’ Grandmaw Becky. So with that n’ th’ fact that she knew that th’ Lord meant t’ bless Jake, she was gonna find a way t’ do th’ work o’ th’ Lord for him.
So’s when Grandmaw Becky heared Grandpaw Zack meanin’ to bless Uncle Saw, she ran out t’ find Jake. She tol’ him t’ kill a nice young goat an’ she would cook the best barbecue Grandpaw Zack had ever tasted. She said Jake had t’ give it t’ him so’s he could snag th’ blessin’.
Well my paw Jake looked this idea over good’n careful like an’ he weren’t none too happy ’bout it. He knew that Grandpaw Zack couldn’t see too well, but he could smell good as a hound dawg an’ he could feel just fine. An’ Uncle Saw was all hairy an’ he, Jake, was as smooth as a baby’s—well, he was all smooth. So he was afeard that if Grandpaw Zack figger’d out that he was tryin’ t’ steal th’ blessin’ he wanted t’ give Uncle Saw, he might go right ahead an’ turn that blessin’ into a curse. An’ Jake wanted no part o’ that.
But Grandmaw Becky had it all figger’d out. She tol’ Jake t’ skin that goat an’ wear th’ skin when he brung that barbecue t’ Grandpaw Zack. She was so shure o’ her plan that she said she’d take th’ curse if’n there was one.
Shor’nuff when Jake brung the barbecue to Grandpaw Zack, well, Grandpaw Zack weren’t no dummy but maybe he weren’t th’ smartest dude on th’ ranch. First he asked Jake who he was. Jake says, “Why paw, I’m Saw o’ course.” Grandpaw Zack asks how he got back so soon. Jake, who could think quicker’n lightnin’ slathered in mutton suet, says, “The Lord yore God dun give me good huntin’.” Grandpaw Zack’s tryin’ t’ put two’n two together but he’s still gittin’ seven. He says t’ hisself, “Sounds like Jake but smells like Saw.”
So Jake serves up some o’ that good ol’ barbecue an’ when Grandpaw Zack’s done sittn’ back an’ burpin’ he says, “Now time for th’ ‘blessin, my son.” An’ he says, “Come here son an’ give yore old paw a hug.” Jake comes over an’ gives him a hug. Grandpaw Zack feels him all over an’ he’s hairy as a goat—just like Saw. Then he starts dwellin’ on how Jake smells just like th’ great outdoors an’ starts blessin’ him up one side an’ down the other. An’ he said (still thinkin’ it was Saw) that Jake would be served by nations an’ by his own brothers, just like th’ Lord said.
Well Jake got outta there right quick because he knew Saw would be back. Shor’nuff Uncle Saw come a-wanderin’ in with a load o’ barbecue for his paw, ready for a blessin. But Grandpaw Zack is still kinda full from what he just et, an’ still kinda confused ’bout ‘zackly who was talkin’ t’ him. So he says, “Who’re you?”
Well there’s a bunch o’ yellin’ an’ moanin’ an’ after a while they get things sorted out an’ they figger out that someone’s been at th’ blessin’ afore Uncle Saw got there. Well Uncle Saw begs for a blessin’ but Grandpaw Zack says he’s pretty blessed out for th’ day, ’cause the one Jake got was a real humm-dinger.
So Uncle Saw is right annoyed an’ says that Jake’s been stealin’ his place in th’ family since th’ day he was born. An’ he asks Grandpaw Zack to see if he cain’t scrounge up one blessin’ o’ some sort so’s he don’t have t’ go away empty handed. An’ so Grandpaw Zack gives him a blessin’ but it ain’t much o’ one. At any rate I would a’ given it a miss if it were up t’ me. ‘Bout the only good thing was that while Uncle Saw would indeed have t’ serve Jake, he’d ‘ventu’ly git out from under it.
Well the truth is that this was th’ last straw for Uncle Saw an’ he started schemin’ t’ do away with Jake. He said that after ol’ Grandpaw Zack hit that dusty trail to forever, well, once the fun’ral was over there’d be another fun’ral right quick an’ a tombstone with Jake’s name on it.
O’course Grandmaw Becky got wind o’ this an’ she dun give my paw Jake th’ high sign an’ said he’d better skedaddle off t’ one o’ the relatives for a spell, ’till Uncle Saw had a chance t’ cool off a mite. Besides which she was a’ hopin’ that th’ flowers o’ romance might bloom for Jake among th’ girls o’ her home town, because she was sick as a dawg over th’ way Uncle Saw’s Hittite wives were a-treatin’ her.
So this time Grandpaw Zack blessed Jake knowin’ who he was, an’ told him t’ go a-courtin’ among th’ girls from Grandmaw Becky’s home town. So my paw Jake hit th’ road.
Poor ol’ Uncle Saw realized that he weren’t none too popular with his parents even though Jake was gone. He’d figger’d out that his choice o’wimmin wasn’t winnin’ him any friends on the home front. So he went ‘n married th’ daughter o’ Ishmael, who was th’ son o’ his Grandpaw Abe, from th’ wrong side o’ th’ blanket as they say.
So Jake went n’ hit th’ road like I said, an’ he had a lot o’ adventures. He did find romance, but he also found a man who was as tricky as he was. An’ he wound up with too much of a good thing in the wife department, if you know what I mean t’ say. An’ that trickster relative wudda cheated him out o’ everythin’ except that th’ Lord kept helpin’ Jake. An’ so Jake got rich.
Finally Jake got a hankerin’ for home an’ also started thinkin’ he was wearin’ out his welcome with th’ in-laws. So one night he up an’ left without even sayin’ good bye. O’ course his in-laws soon caught up with him an’ grilled him ’bout a few missin’ items that they thought might a’ followed him along th’ trail. An’ they was right. His wife had taken ’em without Jake knowin’. But she was a sittin’ on ’em when they searched her tent an’ they didn’t find ’em. An’ Jake managed a clean getaway.
An’ heare’s th’ story o’ th’ greatest rasselin’ match I ever heared of.
When Jake was a-nearin’ home he heared that Uncle Saw was a-comin’ for him with four hundred men. An’ he was ’bout as a-feared as a man can be. So he starts a talkin’ t’ th’ Lord an’ askin’ him t’ keep his promises t’ protect him. Then he sent a bunch o’ his own herds ahead as a present to Uncle Saw.
My paw Jake sent th’ women an’ children off, along with all his stuff, an’ he sat by a stream by hisself. An’ he saw someone on th’ trail who came an’ sat down at th’ fire for a bit o’ friendly conversation. An’ he says, “Heare yore pretty good at rasselin’.” Jake says, “I’ve been known to do a bit o’ rasselin’, nothin’ too special.” An’ th’ man says, “How ’bout we go a few falls.” An’ Jake says, “Ain’t got nothin’ better to do.” Sos they took t’ rasselin.
Well they rasseled an’ rasseled. Now Jake had rasseled all kinds o’ people an’ all kinds o’ critters. He’d rasseled crocs an’ lions. He’d throwed steers an’ rode broncs. This man seemed t’ be a combination o’ all them critters but somehow Jake kept hisself upright an’ even was gittin’ th’ upper hand a bit.
Now th’ sun was a fixin’ to rise an’ for some reason th’ man started gittin’ worried. An’ Jake starts to thinkin’ there’s somethin’ ’bout this man. So he hangs on for dear life. An’ th’ man said, “Sun’s comin’ up, seems like it’s ’bout time to leave off.” But Jake won’t let him go. Then that man did a dirty low-down move an’ put Jake’s leg out o’ joint. An’ Jake still won’t let him go. An’ th’ man says, “Let me go! I gotta hit th’ road!” But Jake, who’s figurin’ out that this ain’t no ordinary man, says, “I won’t let you go less’n you bless me.”
So th’ man says, “What’s yore name?” Jake tells him, an’ th’ man says, “Nope, that ain’t yore name no more. From heare on you’ll be knowed as Izzy, ’cause you fit with God an’ with men an’ come out on top.”
Then Jake says to th’ man, “What’s yore name?” Th’ man says, “Why’s you askin’? Just take yore blessin’ an’ be happy.”
So Jake breathes a deep sigh o’ relief, knowin’ that he saw God face t’ face an’ would live t’ tell th’ tale. But from then on he was a-limpin’ ’cause o’ that low-down move th’ man had put on him.
Now Jake went on t’ live a good long time. An’ we eventually wound up down in Egypt. But all that’s another story—my story.