It is a commonplace notion that fatherhood has been deprecated in our society. Fathers are portrayed as unnecessary or even dangerous. “The patriarchy” (rule by fathers) is routinely disparaged. Laws have been changed to correct supposed imbalances in the family power structure.
Mothers are clearly biologically necessary; fathers are only necessary for a few brief moments—and technology has done away with even that need. So what is the role of the father?
The Bible, while not denigrating mothers, emphasizes the role of the father. Ephesians 6 seems to hold fathers responsible for the proper forming of children in the economy of God: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). God himself is portrayed as a Father. For those who take the Bible seriously, this is important data. This is, of course, complemented by statements about the role of the mother, such as Proverbs 1:8 (Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching) and 6:20 (My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching). Proverbs 31:10-31 also exalts the role of the wife and mother in the family.
The parents play complementary roles in the lives of children, and these roles are different for sons and daughters. Note that the following observations are generalizations; specific situations will of course differ. This is also an ideal portrayal. Few families will exactly reflect what I say below.
We first note that both fathers and mothers are role models. Importantly, the relationship between father and mother serves to model for children how members of the opposite sex relate to one another. This is why mutual respect is so important. Families where husband and wife do not respect one another will communicate that lack of respect between sexes to the children and they will tend to echo that lack of respect.
Even more, the sense of security and well being children experience will be related to the love the parents display toward one another. Some studies have indicated that mutual love between husband and wife is even more important than love of parents for children in this regard. Ironically, loving one another is one of the best gifts parents can give to their children.
Mothers and fathers serve as role models for children of the same sex as they are. Mothers teach their daughters how to be women. By contrast, mothers reflect unconditional love toward their sons.
Fathers play a crucial role in helping both sons and daughters become healthy adults. As far as sons are concerned, fathers help sons become excellent. The love of a father for a son is one that says, “I love, you, but I love you too much to let you get away with not being all you can be.” “Arete” (Greek ἀρετή), virtue or excellence, is the watchword of a father for his son.
A father teaches his son to pay the price of excellence. He teaches him to work hard and persevere in the face of obstacles. He helps him to be courageous and stand up for himself when necessary. He also teaches him how to bond with other men as friends.
A son whose father teaches him these things will not be threatened by authority or need to oppose it to gain self-respect. He will learn to cooperate with other men while at the same time competing respectfully. He will learn to appreciate the excellence of other men, even his enemies. He will not need to be hyper-aggressive to prove his masculinity to himself, nor will he need to make sexual conquests.
Such a son, as he matures, will be taught by his father to take more and more responsibility for himself. Eventually he will also be able to be appropriately responsible for others in his sphere of influence. Those others will see him as someone they can depend on and trust in difficult times.
Such a man will be able to temper strength with gentleness. The idea here is that someone who is not secure in his strength will always feel the need to prove that he is strong. One who is secure in his strength can respond to the situation, displaying strength as well as compassion as appropriate.
One aspect of true manhood that a father teaches his son is “self-control” or ἐγκράτεια (enkráteia). This is another Greek virtue word. It means something like self-ownership. The idea is that you don’t find yourself saying, “I couldn’t help it” all the time. This virtue is associated with delayed gratification and respect for others.
Fathers also play an essential role for daughters. The denigration of fatherhood has had a devastating effect on women. While mothers model what the role of a woman looks like, fathers affirm the womanhood of their daughters. A father’s job is to make his daughter feel loved and lovable, beautiful and worth-while as a person. And it is essential that this happen in a non-sexual context.
The effect of a girl not experiencing non-sexual love from her father is that the girl comes to see her worth in sexual terms. She can attract attention with her sexuality; so “SMV” (sexual market value) becomes her entire value. This creates a kind of arms race as women go to greater extremes to attract male attention through the flaunting of sexual availability. Women who fail to engage in this practice become also-rans in the competition for the 20% of most desirable males.
The other way women find their worth is through competition. The notion that a woman can be just as good a man as a man has become the dominant view of society. Unfortunately this denigrates female distinctives. Women are not valuable because they are smaller copies of men. They are valuable because they are connected to life in a way men are not. Female qualities, such as empathy, gentleness and relationality, are seen as unimportant compared to assertiveness, leadership, and drive. The notion that raising and shaping the next generation is not as important as getting out the next sales presentation is about as anti-feminist as one can imagine.
Fathers who affirm the worth and beauty of their girls help women to become confident and secure. Such women are not always seeking reassurance from men about their desirability. Such women can resist the lure of sexual predators and narcissists because they have internalized a picture of themselves as worth-while in themselves.
It is not necessary to emphasize the value of mothers: it is obvious. But in this unhinged, chaotic age, truths that at one point were similarly obvious are no longer affirmed. The value of a father to his children — to their well-being and happiness — is one of these obvious things that are no longer obvious.