I wrote a post on boundaries a while back. But recently I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries. I ran across a quotation on this topic that I think is totally confused and exemplifies the common misunderstanding of boundaries:
Submitting to the Lord sometimes involves drawing clear boundaries and enacting consequences when a husband sins. -- Mary Kassian
Now apart from the unbiblical nature of this advice (i.e. see 1 Peter 3 which describes how a wife can encourage change in her husband who disobeys the word) this implies that you impose boundaries on others. Boundaries are actually internal. Someone who has “boundaries” understands what is his and what isn’t: his emotions versus the emotions of others; his thoughts versus others’ thoughts; his priorities versus the priorities another person seeks to impose on him. Having boundaries helps you clearly see what are your responsibilities and what are those of others.
You are responsible for your choices, your actions, and your feelings. Poor boundaries make it hard for you to see where your responsibilities leave off, or to see the difference between thoughts and feelings. For example, if someone asks you to do something right away, you might feel obligated to do it. But perhaps you have something else that you need to do.
If you can clearly see that the other person’s priorities are not your priorities, you can freely decide what is more important. Perhaps you should put aside your agenda to do the task the other person wants done. But perhaps you want to complete your task first. Boundaries allow you to clearly see the choice involved.
Manipulative people will try to obscure this distinction. But they are not violating your boundaries. Rather, they are exhibiting a lack of boundaries on their part. They feel that you are an extension of them. They feel that their priorities should be your priorities.
This kind of thing is a left-over from childhood when a baby, in order to survive, needed to be able to demand attention from an adult. To the baby, a parent is simply a part of him, and he a part of the parent. As a person grows older, he gradually understands that he is separate from his parents. Good parents will help this process go forward by gradually helping him assume more and more responsibilities for himself.
A child who takes the toy of another child has not developed boundaries. He doesn’t see the distinction between what belongs to him and what belongs to others. At first everything belongs to him. He may come to learn the word “mine!” but he doesn’t realize that others can also say “mine!” Eventually he will come to understand that others own things just like he does; he creates a boundary in his mind and emotions so that he can respect the rights of others.
In similar ways, people establish boundaries of psychic ownership. I understand that if I want something that does not mean others have to do it. Nor do I have to do what others want just because they want it.
Some time ago I read an internet posting by a woman who said she had been sexually assaulted because “her boyfriend made [her] feel obligated to have sex with him.” Obviously the boyfriend sinned against her, but he did not assault her. He exploited her lack of boundaries. (If she had communicated her desire not to have sex and he had done it anyway, that would be assault.)
The point is that boundaries are not something we impose on others. Instead, they are psychological features of maturity that give us freedom when we are dealing with the wants and needs of other people. Also, boundaries cannot be violated. We may feel violated when someone manipulates us into doing something. But the violation comes because we do not have boundaries in that area and consequently are unable to recognize that the desires of the other person are not binding on us.
Ultimately adults deal with each other as peers, as free persons interacting, one hopes, in a loving way. Note that “having boundaries” doesn’t mean always saying “no.” But it does mean that you don’t automatically say “yes” out of guilt. And when we have boundaries we recognize that the other person does not live at our beck and call; they are people in their own right.
Failure to develop boundaries as we grow up is the cause of much of the conflict and unhappiness we experience in relationships. Many relational pathologies, such as narcissism, co-dependency, anxiety and so on, are due to faulty or lacking boundaries. And, of course, we tend to pass on to our children these pathologies in the area of boundaries. If we don’t have boundaries, we cannot teach our children to develop healthy boundaries; the children then suffer the consequences of poorly defined boundaries and go on to pass this on to their children.
Once you are an adult, you will have a hard time developing boundaries. Part of the reason is that the process requires reflection and self-awareness. And self-awareness requires another person who can help you see what is lacking in yourself. The process will be painful and possibly acrimonious.
Probably the most important first step is to simply pause. If you are feeling some strong emotion, ask yourself why you are feeling it. Is it your emotion or is it the emotion of someone else that you are taking on because you identify so strongly with that person? Over time you may be able to reliably distinguish between another’s emotions and your own. This will help you become free—not simply to say “no” but to choose how you will respond. Your response will be more authentic, more a reflection of who you are, rather than simply a response to feeling overwhelmed by the emotions of another.