Probably most of my life I’ve thought of myself as needy. That is, because of various dysfunctionalities in my family, I did not get all the emotional support I needed growing up. As a result, I am emotionally lacking relationally. I call it “love starved” or “affection starved.”
Also, because my parents split up, I have a lot of abandonment anxiety. I tend to cling on to relationships in an unhealthy manner at times, especially ones that I find pleasurable or affirming.
I have tended to see my life in terms of these issues and the corresponding needs. I am often envious of people who “have their needs met” and therefore are able to get things done. I recall Randy Pausch, who gave a famous “Last Lecture” describing his life in glowing positive terms when at that point he knew he had terminal cancer. One thing he said was that when he looked at his childhood pictures he had a smile on his face in every picture. I recall thinking how unfair life was — my childhood was fairly miserable. (Given that I have not died of cancer yet, and he has, this may not be the best way to look at things….)
Another person I compare myself to is Gregory Boyd. He dedicated his incredible book Trinity And Process to his father, to whom he attributes his ability to work hard and see things through. Because I lacked a father in my life, I often regret that I never learned to work hard.
The result of all this focus on lacks and disfunctionalities in my life has been a kind of paralysis. Admittedly I have accomplished a fair amount, but I feel that because I tend to spin my wheels emotionally I do not have the energy to accomplish everything I would like. Even worse, I have a “poor me” mentality that prevents me from growing up and maturing.
(FYI: I define maturity as being able to take responsibility for your self as well as for others.)
In other words, I have made a lot of excuses for myself instead of just doing what I am able to do.
Now I am completely certain of the grace of God, and I know he does not hold this against me. He knows what I am up against, and he has been patient with me for lo these many years. But I feel that I have allowed my neediness to define my life. And ultimately this is a kind of unbelief.
By this I mean that if I trusted God, I would believe that my “needs” cannot really be needs, because if they were, God would have met them. He commits himself to do that when Jesus says: “Seek first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” The “things” Jesus refers to are the needs of life.
When I think about it, these needs are not really needs; they are “wants.” I would really like to have people in my life who constantly affirm me and bring me pleasure. But I do not. Does that mean my needs are not being met? No. It just means that there are some experiences in this life that I will not have.
But that does not matter, because life is a quest, not a sight-seeing tour. All that matters is achieving the quest. And the outcome of that is the beatific vision: to see God.
John tells us how after Jesus fed five thousand, many people came after him. He told them that they were not even interested in miracles any more; instead they just wanted food. He then told them the following: “Do not work for the food that spoils, but the food that endures to eternal life, which the son of man will give you” (John 6:27). In other words, there was something they “needed” even more than physical food, namely spiritual nourishment, food that would last them forever. In similar vein he quotes from Deuteronomy, saying “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.” Even the most fundamental physical needs are less important than the word of God.
For me at least this has been freeing. I have come to the conclusion that I do not need to have my needs met. (Yes, I am being intentionally paradoxical here.) I believe that Paul meant something like this when he said,
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
– Philippians 4:11-13
Notice that Paul talks about learning to be content; learning the secret. In other words he is talking about discipleship — learning from Jesus.
I conclude that by not needing to have my needs met I can move forward, not trapped by the past. Yes, it will be a bit of a process, and yes, it took me a long time to figure this out. And yes, I am sure I will not be very good about it at first. But at least I believe that this is a valid and valuable insight that can help free me from the paralysis I have felt for much of my life.